meenakshi

I lost a very near and dear one to cancer recently. Coping with death is tough, no matter how much you know that it is coming, when it does come, it hits you like a whirlwind. As one of my dearest friends said, the only definite thing in life is death. May sound morbid – but I think that the person I lost kept that in mind and dealt with her life and the cancer very gracefully. Never one to complain, she took everything in her stride. Clear-cut and organized, she dispensed instructions on everything from her funeral to what she wanted to do with her possessions. She was certainly not in denial but at the same time, she made the most of her life and cherished it.

Here are some things I learnt from this experience.
Being around: The best thing family and friends can do in this situation is be available. If circumstances allow you be by the side of a loved one, do so by all means. Bonding, sharing memories and at the same time doing what you can to alleviate pain is a powerful experience. But do understand that it is emotionally exhaustive and take time out while doing the care-giving to talk to a friend, recuperate and recover.

Find a good doctor you can trust: Probably the most important tip. A empathetic doctor who understands the situation and deals with it effectively, is able to be firm when required and understanding during difficult times. We were lucky enough to have the right doctor.

Do not offer false hopes or quack medicine: Coupled with the obvious agony of watching someone you cherish die slowly, the situation can get aggravated by solicitous well-wishers offering their input on everything that would “definitely” cure the disease. Even normal and intelligent people when confronted with serious life-threatening situations may grasp at non-existent straws. Mind you, I see nothing wrong with optimism and hope but I do draw the line at quacks and false comfort. In case of a terminal illness, it is important to remember that most other therapies will offer relief and palliative care. Dietary restrictions or excessive intake of a particular food item is not going to do change the situation dramatically.

Hold the unnecessary advice: Have you seen the Reliance mobile phone ad? That’s what it feels like when visitors offer bucket loads of unnecessary advice. Of course, if you feel that something can undoubtedly be of help to that person, do suggest it gently to a family member. But do not be aggressive and overly loquacious about it.

Help out: Daily chores are where others can help. Whether it is cooking meals, offering a ride or doing the grocery shopping, practical help will go a long way in helping out a family that is coping with terminal illness.

Allow yourself to grieve: Whether you want to take the time out to cry on someone’s shoulder or be by yourself or share memories with your friends, do take the time out to grieve. Understand that it may take time, but do make the effort to get back to your usual activities and routine.