Last night I went with my husband to see Provoked. In case you’ve been hibernating, this movie is based on the true story of Kiranjit Ahluwalia, a Punjabi woman who entered an arranged marriage with an NRI in London, and suffered heinous abuse for the next 10 years. The abuse ended one night when she finally snapped and killed him.
I won’t give away too much of the movie, because I think you should see it (or maybe read up on it) yourself. Domestic violence is a serious issue that I think many of us don’t think about nearly often enough.
I never did until I had housemate in university whose boyfriend used to kick the sh** out of her on the regular. One day I got good and sick of it, kicked her door in and tried to break it up. I thought all she needed was one good intervention, and I was shocked later when she accepted him back.
After than confusing series of events, I went to one of my friends who worked at a domestic violence program to learn about the cycle of abuse. I think it is easy to judge women in abusive relationships without understanding them. I think we all think “this would never be me.” It took a long time for me to understand why some women stay with their abusers until it is too late. I learned all about what happens to women psychologically when they are subjected to that kind of abuse. That these women feel trapped. That the abusers break them down, break their self-esteem so that they feel in some ways that the abuse is warranted. That many times, the women do not feel they have anyone to turn to and no other options. And that most frightening of all, that at the time a woman decides to leave a man like this, or she tries to stand up to him, the man is actually at his most violent and out of control point. Because of this experience I later went on to be a rape crisis counselor.
In this day and age, abuse starts early. Girls, if you have a boyfriend who tells you what you can and cannot wear, who you can talk to, etc…. be wary. This is the early stages of control, and it is definitely not a good sign. Have one conversation with him tell him how that makes you feel. If he will not listen, leave him. And let your friends and family know about the problem. Silence is an abusers best friend. If your boyfriend hits you, he does not love you. Seriously. I do not care how many times he apologizes, or how wonderful he is afterwards. Abusers have patterns. They abuse you, then they treat you wonderfully for a while. That kind of rush can become addictive to some people, but it is not love. It is abuse.
And abuse can be psychological or physical. Someone telling you that you are unworthy or that no one else will love you is the same as being slapped or punched. It is simply your self-esteem taking the beating. And in the long-run it is just as damaging as physical abuse.
Women, if you are married and your husband is abusive, tell someone that you trust. Talking about it is the first step to getting help. If he forces you to have sex with him, that is rape. Yes, it is possible to be raped by one’s spouse, and the instances of marital sexual abuse within India are staggering. If you can trust your physician, tell him or her. Hitting or beating is never OK. Berating and name calling are not alright. If you have children it is doubly important that you get help. Children that witness abuse in the household are sadly extremely likely to grow up to become abusers themselves. It is a cycle of violence that takes it’s toll on everyone.
I think it is also important to remember that not every case of abuse is as severe as Kiranjit’s. Maybe your husband will not rape you or hold a hot iron to your face and threaten to burn your eyes out. But if he calls you fat or stupid, if he refuses to let you talk to your friends without him present (or refuses to let you have friends), if he slaps you when you argue… those are abuse. And you do not have to take it. Seek help.
If you know of domestic violence hotlines or helpgroups within Bangalore or Mumbai, please post them here. Help save someone’s life.
